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It's been a year...

I meant to do this the other day.  June 10th was my 1 year "health" anniversary.  It's the day I started recording my food and going to the gym.  The day I started my "path" so to speak.

It's been a years of ups and downs.  Of loss and gains.

It's been a year of learning how strong I am physically.  And how weak I can be emotionally.

I have had binges.  I have had days were I felt like quitting.  I've gone a week without exercise.  I've gained back 10 pounds only to lose it again.

It's a stuggle.  Weight loss is not a downhill battle.  It's downhill, then uphill, then downhill, than flat, then uphill...  It's a marathon that will probably never end because even if (hopefully when) I get to a weight that makes me happy, I have to make the concious effort to maintain that weight.

Important things I have learned over this past year...

1. Not losing is okay.
2. Keep trying, giving up will fix nothing.
3. The scale is not evil, the scale is not good.
4. There should be a weigh in day and you should stick to it.  Weighing everyday is not healthy and it does not encourge you.
5. Just because you ate that bag of chips (or whatever) does not mean you "ruined" your whole day and give you the right to eat to your hearts content for the day.  Brush it off and keep going.
6. You can eat chips and cookies, if you keep track of them.  Just don't sit on the couch with a bag of chips and then go "oops".  Weigh them out, and only take what you *should* eat.   Moderation is the key.
7. I am not perfect.  I will not make perfect choices.  I can only try to make the choices I think are best.
8. Gaining weight back is okay too.  It's not a good feeling, but you lost it once, you can lose it again.

I am sure there is more.  I've learned so much about myself and I feel like a new person (even if I cannot see it in the mirror).  I'm so grateful I started this journey and I truly hope to continue it.

I lost 100 pounds this year.

I hope to lose 50 over the next year.

Back on track, maybe?!?

I had a decent weekend for the first time in awhile.  Friday's weigh in didn't go so great, but I was coming off of my cycle and had a loss of 0.2 pounds.  But a loss is a loss, right?

I was bad and I stepped on the scale this morning even though I'm trying to switch to once a week.  I had a decent weekend.  I went over my calories on Saturday (we had Pizza Hut for supper) but I walked alot in the stores and took the kids bike riding both Saturday and Sunday.  I was under both Sunday and Monday (Monday is part of my weekend, Saturdays I work generally-but I had off this Saturday).

I'm hopefully that this means that I am getting back on track with my food (please, please, please lol).

Anyhow, so today I got on the scale and I had lost almost a pound from Friday.  *Whoot*  I'm excited for my "official" way in on Friday.  I didn't record today's, I will wait till Friday and see what the scale says then.  I am *hoping* I will have offically broken the 100 pounds lost mark.  That might be to ambitious but I've been stuck around 95 pounds lost for what seems like forever I just want to get this last two pounds done and over with so I can say I lost 100 pounds!

Apr. 15th, 2015

There are weird things that you don't realize being fat.  Like, I have collar bones.  I mean, I *knew* I had collar bones, but I felt them the other day just randomly and now I can't stop touching them.  I never paid any attention to them because they were protected by a layer of fat and now I can see them when I move a certain way.  They don't protrude or anything (thankfully) but it's creepy to me!  I mean, I was so used to being a ball of chub (and I still am) but now there are bones showing and it's a little creepy.

Also, sitting for extended periods of time is becoming less and less comfortable.  My butt still has cushion, but not like before.

Yeah, so there is my random oddness of losing weight.

It's been a few days since I stepped on the scale.  I need to start doing once a week instead of like, every day or every other day like I have been.  I don't know if I can stop myself though.  It's like a crazy obsession.  One that I imagine isn't very healthy.  But hey, it's not like much about my weight habits have been healthy in the past so...
I am so sick of having a couple of good days, followed by a couple of bad days.  The truth is, I'm pretty stagnant right now.  I keep debating on trying to maintain (which is pretty much all I am doing right now) for a few months and then starting over.  I *really* don't want to do this though.  What I really want is to get down another 20ish pounds by my one year anniversary on June 10th, but that seems so unlikely at this time. I  *could* do it if I really tried, but I haven't been.  That would be the halfway point to my ultimate goal weight (at least what I want at this moment) of 150 pounds...

Poor choices.

I would have been fine yesterday, if I had gone to bed at regular time.  However, I decided to stay up by myself to watch a movie and ended up munching on candy and eating another piece of cake.  Yeah, not a good day.

My lunch today was also bad.  I *might* be able to make it work today either way, but I have to be careful with supper.  I have been making poor choices, and I am aware of that.  I will get mad when the scale doesn't budge, but I'm the only person to blame.  No matter how much I am aware of them, I still struggle NOT to make them :(

I keep telling myself that I will make better choices.  Then I don't.  I order Chinese food with my coworkers, I eat a Cadbury Egg, I eat one more piece of chocolate cake.  I feel pathetic afterwards, I am pathetic.

Apr. 5th, 2015

I have a harder time not binging on the weekends.  While my husband is very supportive of my weight loss journey, he also struggles to fully understand my lack of control.  In some ways he's great, and in other's he's an enabler.  We'll use yesterday as an example.  I was eating directly out of a bag of chips.  This is a no-no unless it's one of the individual bags because I won't stop eating.  It's that simple.  Normally I will get a plate and my food scale and measure out one to two servings.  Anyhow, my husband came up beside me and took the bag.  He still let me eat them, but the simple action of him holding it and not being right beside me (I had to make the effort to go to him to get some) made me stop eating them after a few.  This is a good example.  However, last night we were busy and didn't leave my MIL's house until after 7pm and none of us had supper.  So we needed to get food.  He suggested the Chinese Buffet.  BUFFET.  lol.  Yeah, of course I was like "YES" because, CHINESE, and BUFFET.  Needless to say, yesterday was not a good calorie day.

This weekend's struggle will also be with Easter Candy.  I have two young kids, I do not want to deprive them of candy (nor did my mother or my MIL haha).  Overall, we have a decent sized basket of chocolates.  Plus my mom so graciously gave me my very own Cadburry Egg (*nom*) and Lindor truffle egg (*moar nom*).  I guess at least at this point I can say at least I've only eatten one Lindor Truffle, right (today, yesterday I totally downed an egg and two mini Reese's cups).

If I can manage a low calorie lunch, dinner shouldn't be too bad (crab cake and steak with sweet potatoe fries and aspargus).

What's funny is I eat more frequently during work but less calories because my snacks are things like carrots, string cheese, and fruit.


Hi, my name is Audrey and I'm fat.

Yes, you read that right.

I have been blogging for my own enjoyment for years on Livejournal, but I decided to start a journal to talk about my weight loss journey.  Everyone keeps telling me I should.  I figure, why not?

I'm 33 years old, a wife, a mother, and an overall decent person.  I'm a nerd.  I like to read.  My favorite thing to read it young adult books (particularly dystopian).

I'm *almost* down 100 pounds as I write this.  I started out REALLY fat.  I mean, crazy fat.  I was 378 pounds.  I had been as big as 400 pounds in the past.  I've never been little.  My weight today (281.8 pounds) is actually smaller than I was in high school.  Yup, high school me was bigger than current me.

If you've never been fat before, that's great.  I've you have been or are, you know the struggles.  Don't get me wrong, I know that everyone has struggles, but there are some things that being fat really limits.  Like walking.  When I started, I could NOT walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like I was going to have a heart attack.  Then there are other things, like sitting in what I can only call "weak" chairs (not meant for someone of my weight).  I have broken chairs in my lifetime and not only is it slightly painful to fall on your ass, it's also hugely embarassing.

I cannot tell you what changed last June (that's when my weight loss journey started), all I can tell you is that it's changed me.  In the last 10 months I have lost weight, I have had more energy, I have become happier.  I became a girl who misses the gym when she can't go, instead of the girl who dreaded going to the gym.

When I started I had a hard time doing 60 seconds on the ellptical and 20 minutes on the treadmill at a slow pace.  It was miserable.  I spent my first month feeling like the laugh of my gym (even though everyone was encouraging, that didn't make me see that what I was doing was a good thing).  Overtime I built up my workout.  I went longer, I went faster, I added more.  It's a process, and sometimes you'll take baby steps, other times you'll surprise yourself and have a giant leap.

This journey is going to be long.  It has been and is going to be hard.  This journal is my journey to a better me.


Small changes

It's really difficult to watch the scale.  I wish I could be one of those people who only stepped on the scale once a month, or twice a month, heck, even once a week.  I step on it every day.  Every single morning.  I want to change this habit.  I need to change this habit.

I've done really well at the gym.  This week included 4 days of working out, including Kickboxing on Wednesday and HIIT training on Thursday.  I'm sore this morning, but I've come to love this feeling.

I had a horrible weekend (food wise), but I knew I was going to (I went to a club with my sister to see a band).  I've done mostly well this week since then.  Yesterday I had some struggles but not enough to say I was off track, more that I ate back some of my exercise calories (about half of them-which I try to avoid doing that many of them).  I've been hungry recently, and work stress has not helped the situation.

I find myself yo-yoing a lot on the scale.  First it was between 295-300, then 290-295, then 285-290, and now I'm more yo-yoing between 280-285.  At least it's progress, even if it's slow and up and down.

I have never really had hope that I'd ever be "normal".  I want to be a normal weight, but it seems so unattainable.  Even now.
I would LOVE to say my weight loss is doing awesome, but it's not.  I've made some progress (I am now hovering between 284 and 287) but it's not consitantly lowering which is really frustrating.  I know a lot of it is my fault (OMG FOOD) but I do really good with the gym and it sucks to see so little progress.  I need to get my food back on track and I'll be fine.  I also need to learn to avoid the scale more than once a week (I will step on it every morning and then feel upset when I gained half a pound or something stupid).

I've been sticking to the gym.  Most weeks it's 4 days, this week I'll have done 5 after tomorrow (I came in on my day off, go me lol).  I even started some new stuff which I'm hoping will help too- HIIT training.  I really like it, because I feel SORE afterwards, but it's a good kind of sore.  I never thought I'd be the gym kind of girl but I love it.  I love the feeling I get afterwards and I know it's made me a happier person overall.

I'm still so uncertain on what is best for me.  I read so much crap on MyFitnessPal and I feel overwhelmed.  I see people who say Cardio is evil, I see people who live by Cardio.  It's so confusing.  Personally, I do about 50 minutes of cardio and about 15-20 minutes of strength training on my gym days and while I've semi-stalled I've still lost weight, ya know?

Is it weird that when I look at pictures I'm really surprised by the changes because I cannot see them when I look in the mirror.  Over 90 pounds down and I still see the same girl/same level of fat...

Progress picturesCollapse )
I've pretty much stalled in December. I'm hungrier than I was and I want all the crap foods. But I am determined to get back on track. I think it's the holidays/cold weather. I haven't really lost anything in about 2-3 weeks. But I did reach under 300 pounds before I stalled!!! I'm now sitting right around 295. Which is what I weighed when I was 16.